


When You Were Scared

by x_carnivale_x (commodorecliche)



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Goodbyes, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Relationships, Kissing, Love, M/M, Pinto, Separation, Wordplay as foreplay, and chris is really upset about it, i dunno how else to tag this, implied miles/zach, it's not over, previous and kind of current chris/zach, prompts, zach leaving for new york
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 20:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5062525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commodorecliche/pseuds/x_carnivale_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>things you said when you were scared...</i> </p><p>Zach is leaving for New York and Chris isn't sure how he's supposed to handle it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When You Were Scared

**Author's Note:**

> little minific, written for a fic request with the prompt "things you said when you were scared" for [semperama](https://archiveofourown.org/users/semperama/pseuds/semperama).

**::**

Watching Zach pack the last of his clothes into a bag, it’s times like this when Chris wishes he had it in him to ignore Zach. To pretend he didn’t exist. But he’s never been good at that. Since the moment they met all those years ago, Chris had hardly been able to tear himself away, even when looking had hurt.

And looking hurts now.

Clothes are in the bag. Toiletries stowed away. Closets emptied, furniture already gone, leaving nothing more than empty imprints on the carpet where they’d once stood.

Chris hates it.

He wants to pretend it doesn’t bother him, but - actor or not - he’s never been a good liar. Especially not to someone he cares about. Especially not to Zach.

And Zach knows how he feels about this whole situation. Zach knows he’s angry, and upset. If Chris is brutally honest, he’s hurt… he’s hurt that Zach would even consider this, let alone go through with it.

But deep down he knows he has no right to be. He doesn’t own Zach; he never has, and this decision is Zach’s alone to make. Zach’s got a boyfriend now - young, vivacious, and with looks that could kill - and that alone should clue Chris in that he isn’t part of this decision.

No matter what he and Zach have been in the past, they’re friends now and nothing more.

But it still hurts.

“So… This is it, huh?” Chris asks sharply, against his better judgment.

Zach is just finishing zipping up his bags, turning his head briefly to glance at Chris and then around the room. He sighs softly, and nods.

“Yeah. Looks like that’s the last of it.”

That wasn’t at all what Chris meant, but he doesn’t say anything.

“When’s your flight?” He asks instead.

“In a few hours. Should have enough time to get through security if we leave soon.”

Chris nods.

“You still okay driving me? Or…?” Zach trails off, and Chris debates just backing out of his original agreement. He’d only agreed to taking Zach to the airport because that’s what good friends do. But now that the minutes are steadily ticking by, inching the two of them closer to the deadline, Chris is dreading it.

But he couldn’t tell Zach no when he’d asked.

He never could.

_I need you to be okay with this, Chris… Please… I don’t want to go if you’re not okay with it…_

_I’m not-…. No. It’s what you want. And if moving is what you want, then I’m… I’ll support you._

He never could tell Zach no, even when the mere thought of Zach leaving made him sick. And he can’t tell Zach no now.

“It’s fine. Let’s go.”

**::**

The drive to the airport is a silent one - at least between the two of them. Chris’s music hums quietly in the background, but the air that might have normally been filled with words and laughs is now decidedly empty and listless. As they drive through the night-time city, the artificial glows the only things to illuminate the inside of the car, Chris can’t help but wonder if Zach feels the same dread, the same sadness that he feels so pointedly in his chest.

He dares a very brief glance at Zach, and as his eyes catch his friend staring serenly out the car window, he knows that Zach probably feels none of the same, awful things Chris is feeling. Zach is probably excited. Maybe a little nervous, but a happy sort of nervous that one gets before embarking on a new journey. There's a lover waiting for him in New York city, and a whole new world on the opposite coast of Chris, and Chris can’t help the sharp ache the flares in his chest at the calm expression on Zach’s face.

They pull up to the airport in silence. He’s sure that Zach probably expects him to drop him off at the Delta terminals, but he doesn’t. Instead, Chris turns into the short-term parking, pulling his car to the far, almost-empty end of the lot and parking. If Zach has any protestations, he doesn’t voice them, allowing the two of them to sit in the quiet, darkened car for a moment or two longer.

Chris doesn’t look at him, letting his eyes glaze over as he stares at the glowing dashboard of his car. He has a lot he wants to say, but for once in his life, he has no words to actually speak. And he wonders if Zach is having the same problem. But he doubts it.

“I have to go in a minute.” Zach whispers gently. Chris grips the steering wheel a little more tightly.

“Great.” Chris says, eyes still trained straight ahead.

“That all you have to say?”

Chris shrugs.

“Yeah, I guess.”

He doesn’t mean to be curt, but he can’t seem to stop the harsh brevity that lines his tone. Zach seems so calm, and Chris can feel a fucking storm brewing in his chest. The terseness is really all he has to keep the damn thing at bay.

Zach eyes him softly, and even out of the corner of his eye, Chris knows that look. It’s a look of calm understanding, and Chris knows Zach sees right through him.

“Why are you so against this?” Zach asks him mildly, and Chris wants to protest. He wants to tell Zach he absolutely isn’t against this, because it’s what Zach wants; he’s ready to lie. But when he turns and catches Zach’s eyes, the truth fumbles out.

“Because it feels like goodbye.” Chris whispers hesitantly. “It fucking feels… it feels like I’m not going to see you again.”

“But you will see me again…” Zach states, as if it’s obvious. And maybe it is obvious, but Chris doesn’t doesn’t feel it.

“Hmmph, doesn’t feel like it…”

Zach says nothing, and against all his better judgment, Chris speaks again.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“This isn’t goodbye, Chris…” Zach says, pointedly not acknowledging Chris’s previous comment. “I’m a plane ride away, that’s all… Or a phone call, or a text… Whenever you want.”

Chris doesn’t know what to say, clenching the steering wheel a little bit more tightly, the leather groaning under the brunt of his grip. It’s only Zach’s hand resting atop of his that gets him to release. He lets go of the wheel hesitantly, fingers curling as Zach holds them gently. He expects Zach to release him, but he doesn’t; instead he pulls Chris’s hand to his lips and presses and soft kiss along his knuckles. Chris pretends that his fingers don’t shake.

Zach releases him, only to cup the camber of Chris’s jaw, leaning in to press their lips together in the quiet of the car.

It’s short, and chaste, and Chris tries to burn the feeling of it into his head when Zach pulls away and presses their foreheads together softly.

“It’s not goodbye, Chris. It’s just… ‘until next time’… That’s all.”

Chris doesn’t think that’s all, but he doesn’t say as much.

Instead he nods, quells the ache in his chest, and the frightened drop in his gut, and pulls away from Zach. Hands hesitating over the steering wheel and gear shift, he breathes in deep, and grips on with what strength he can muster. He puts the car in gear, and drives them towards the terminal.

When Zach leaves him, it’s with little more than sad eyes and a brief, secretive kiss, and Chris’s stomach burns. 

But he doesn’t say goodbye.

**::**

**Author's Note:**

> my god why can't I just write happy things? oh well. 
> 
> i also have a [tumblr](http://commodorecliche.tumblr.com), so please feel free to check me out. 
> 
> thank you for reading!


End file.
